your guide to a D-list summer

My youth is officially gone. I know this because Scott Baio is 45 years old. Apparently, this summer is all about celebrity reality shows, and Baio has one of his own. Just take a look at some of the shows on tap, as described in USA TODAY:

• VH1 will pair "Baio" with "Rock of Love With Bret Michaels," which is aimed at helping the frontman for heavy-metal band Poison attract women — as if he needed any help.

MY THOUGHTS: Hmmm, I thought Bret Michaels was sexy ... when I was 14! Do you have any idea how much sex that man has had since then? Mama doesn't want syphillis this summer! I may need some shots prior to tuning in. As for "Baio" and its "one man's journey of self discovery," it sounds like that will be the kindler, gentler celeb-reality show.

• Bravo Network will showcase American Idol pixie Paula Abdul as an entrepreneur and all-around go-getter in the much-anticipated "Hey Paula!" and is launching a third season of comedian "Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D-list."

MY THOUGHTS: I love Kathy Griffin's show. Favorite moment - Kathy performs for the troops on a USO tour, and she opens with "I usually start my show with 'OK, where are my gays at?' Not today." If Paula's show has the same feeling, then it will be golden. But with Paula's drug/alcohol-influenced streams of consciousness, it also has the potential to go the way of the Anna Nicole show.

• A&E will air "The Two Coreys," featuring former troubled-teen '80s pinup boys Corey Haim and Corey Feldman living together.

MY THOUGHTS: Uh, OK, I was a fan back in the day. The Lost Boys is a classic. But reading about the show makes me kind of cringe. USA TODAY says "The story line: Haim, unemployed, single and slovenly, moves in with Feldman and Feldman's wife, Susie Sprague (married by fellow celebreality star M.C. Hammer on a 2002 Surreal Life episode) in a threesome in the style of You, Me & Dupree. Although Haim concedes some plotlines were contrived, he's hoping for a payoff. "This could be a wonderful steppingstone. Will this be my entire future? Absolutely not. I'm a movie actor by birth."" You mean Reality Shows aren't REAL?? Whatever, the curiosity factor is too strong on this one -- I must check it out at least once.

• ABC is weighing in with NBA basketball star Shaquille O'Neal's "Shaq's Big Challenge," a fitness show for obese middle-schoolers, and car-race competition "Fast Cars and Superstars" with William Shatner.

MY THOUGHTS: A pre-pubescent "Biggest Loser" should have more heart than the rest of these, and it could definitely be a crowd-pleaser, especially with Shaq's gentle-giant ways with children.

• NBC will serve up tennis pro Mark Philippoussis dating twenty- to forty-something "kittens and cougars" in "Age of Love."

MY THOUGHTS: I've seen the commercials for this one. On the plus side, it has the whole "Bachelor" and "Average Joe" vibe, and on the negative side, it has the whole "Bachelor" and "Average Joe" vibe. Come on, isn't that tired? If I am going to marry someone, I don't want that person to be sleepless the night before struggling with "Which one will I choose?" It shouldn't be a toss up. If you're not sure which one, the answer is no one. And what is this "kittens and cougars"? That is so misogynistic. I'm sick of these male fantasy shows. And don't think that a "Bachelorette" version of the show makes it equal. It's still offensive.