Cupid must be earning time and a half

Have you heard the news? No, not about the AIDS crisis emerging in Asia, not about the new president of Iran who held American hostages in the 80s, and not even the Oprah – Hermes fiasco.

JEN AND BEN ARE MARRIED!!! ... and, it gets even better!!! THEY'RE PREGNANT!!!!

Now, don't get me wrong. I am actually a huge fan of both Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck. My DVR is set to tape all first-run episodes of “Alias,” and I used to be slightly obsessed with Ben Affleck. Chasing Amy is a classic, and I even enjoyed Forces of Nature, though that had a more lot to do with the fact that he and the whole story reminded me of a guy in my own life I could call “the one that got away.”

Regardless, Ben is hot. Sure he went through a slight “glossy” phase when he was dating J-Lo and drawing enough paparazzi flash bulbs to solve the energy crisis, but he still seems like a relatively down-to-Earth guy that your mom would just adore.

So I guess they’re in love or whatever.

I used to think Jennifer Garner and Scott “Noel” Foley were so cute together. Like little puppies, I would just look at them and coo. But they didn’t last. And you know what? I was sad! I felt so bad for Scott Foley. Why am I involved?

Why are any of us following the Tom Cruises and Katie Holmes of Tinseltown as they venture from being single, to being engaged, to breaking off the engagement, to hooking up with another unbelievably beautiful person within 14 days?

I’m so fed up with it all! I used to watch “Entertainment Tonight” religiously. Now, it literally makes my tummy turn. We give so much attention to people who don’t do much to deserve it. Meanwhile, our own government is doing things that I used to think only other governments did. And where are the headlines? They’re buried under stories about why another “American Idol” contestant is in jail and why Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie aren’t speaking anymore.

Hmmmmm … maybe that’s why they wanted to halt funding to public broadcasting. Because without NPR, we might never know about things that happen outside of Angelina Jolie’s bedroom. Oh, God. Don’t get me started on that. Who cares if Angelina and Brad Pitt are doing it? Good for them. Aren’t they entitled to true love, too? Or at least to mind-blowing sex?

OK. I feel better now. Gotta check the wedding registry at Crate & Barrel and see which style of cosmopolitan glasses Jen and Ben prefer. Kiss kiss.